Rick Reilly: He Gets It

Near as I can tell, there are five reasons most of America finds it impossible to be happy for Rick Reilly (and why they're wrong):

1. They think he uses too many teeth references in his articles. (Actually, Reilly’s use of teeth is an endearing trait that makes him unique among sportswriters. Sure, he could look for non-dental descriptives when he writes an 800-word column, but why fix what ain’t broken? And, besides, can you blame a guy who spent a large chunk of his life rooting for a guy who looked like this to not use teeth references?)

2. They think he’s an aloof guy who doesn’t mix well with others. (Actually, although Reilly commands a hefty salary to write his 800-word column, he’s just one of the guys there. Sure, his individual web page looks different than all the others, and, sure, his podcast with Bill Simmons had so many backhanded compliments Roger Federer would have struggled with it, but, c’mon, can’t we all just get along here?)

3. They think his columns are too short. (Actually, Reilly gets more information packed into his 800-word columns than most guys get into 2,500 pieces. Granted, most of that information is one-sentence puns that are as funny as a root canal, but so be it.)

4. They think he’s a threat to their god, Bill Simmons. (Actually, Simmons and Reilly are friends. Really. I’m not kidding. Just ask them. They talk about his 800-word column all the time.)

5. They think he can’t handle new technology. (Actually, Reilly knows all about Twitter and Facebook and all that stuff, he’s just not that into it. You see, he was raised in an era when writing an 800-word column was what made a columnist a columnist, not in today’s non-stop verbiage from every angle. Rick Reilly needs your new technology like a 80-year-old dentist needs one of those new-fangled whirligig toothbrushes.)