The Olympics: Why We Suck.

A harsh toke for Team USA.

It's not Iverson's fault.

I know that seems incredible coming from me, but it's really, honestly, not Allen Iverson's fault that Team USA is sucking the major bong in Athens. Basketball, contrary to the Jordan Rules, is a team sport. Unfortunately, we don't have a team.

The US group is a collection of some of the best players in the world. Most of them, however, are used to being the focal point, and have never been asked to do anything else. Much has been made of the absence of three-point shooters, or true centers on this year's Olympic squad, but it's biggest weakness is lack of role-players. Every great team has someone who comes off the bench and makes an immediate impact, whether it's a Steve Kerr/Craig Hodges long-range threat, or a Lonnie Shelton/Maurice Lucas to add instant muscle.

Do these type of players even exist anymore? I have no idea, but putting five high-scoring, no-defense players on the court every night just ain't doing it.

Perhaps the problem lies in the whole "dream-team" concept. Sure, it was great when 11 out of 12 players on the roster were hall-of-famers, but it's painfully obvious we'll never see a team like the original '92 squad. You can't throw a group of mostly above-average NBA players together (without any input from the coach!) and expect them to play well after only a couple weeks of practice. Most of the international teams have played together for years, and it shows.

Instead of sending the best individual players, we should send the best team. I have no doubt the Detroit Pistons would have kicked the hell out of Puerto Rico and Lithuania.

This, of course, would have to be approved by the NBA, the players union, the Olympic steering committee, Nike, the International Union of Team Mascots,Dr.J, and...

Aw, the hell with it.

Carter? Iverson? How about Payton?

GP knees someone in the balls.

So, Gary doesn't want to play for the Celtics. He says he wants to stay on the west coast. Hey, I know a west-coast team that needs a point guard: the Sonics!

It's so crazy it just might work. The Celtics are so desperate to get rid of Payton now, all the Sonics need to do is dangle a second-round pick and/or a drunken Ukrainian , and suddenly we have a dream-team backcourt of Ray Allen and Gary Payton, plus little Frodo gets to learn from one of the all-time best.

C'mon Sunderschultz, get on the phone! Give me an excuse to bust out my old G.P. jersey. Oh wait, that was a Kemp jersey. Hell, bring 'em both back! I'm feelin' old-school, baby!

RE: AI to Supes? Keep dreamin'...

It ain't gonna happen. Seattle teams, regardless of sport, are never in the running for big money superstars, because they know that going to Seattle will have a negative effect on their street-cred (read: endorsement deals) and their bank account. I love my hometown, but let's face it--Seattle just has a remote, grungy, pasty-white suburban image that it can't erase. Could you ever imagine a T-Mac, AI, Kobe, Shaq or KG choosing Seattle over a half-dozen other more populated, "urban" markets? A guy like Ally I vetoes a trade here without blinking. Even has-beens like Kenny Anderson seem to look at Seattle as being the southernmost city in Alaska and high-tail it out.

I can think of only 3 ways a small-market team attracts/keeps/trades for big-ticket players:
1) Draft 'em. That's how we got Gary and Shawn. Or look at the T-Wolves and KG. And in baseball, Junior and A-Rod. Acquiring a star before they blow up also falls under this--see: Indiana Pacers, Jermaine O'Neal.
2) Back up the Money Truck. Look what guys like Paul Allen and Mark Cuban have done (not that Dallas is a small market, but well, they did suck for a long time). Good players consider signing with or being traded to the Seahawks, Blazers and Mavs because they know they'll be pampered, and that there's a commitment to improve the team every year.
3) Get a Brand Name Coach. This kind of relates to the Money Truck, but if you can get a legendary coach for your squad, your town suddenly shows up on the radar for good players. Was Miami a big NBA destination before Pat Riley showed up?

You get maybe two of those three things working for you, then maybe, maybe you get AI to give up cheese steaks for salmon.