Friday, August 27

Get In My Pants!


You know you want them. C'mon. Please?

We interrupt this Sonic Blog for an important message:
Do you like pants? Of course you do. So why not buy my old pants? They're not completely nasty. Just kinda-sorta nasty. Buy now and get in on that retro-grunge scene before it even starts. Or, complete that "scary drifter" costume for Halloween. All proceeds will go towards the "Me Not Starving Foundation"©.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled rant about Gary Payton.

Wednesday, August 25

The Olympics: Why We Suck.


A harsh toke for Team USA.

It's not Iverson's fault.

I know that seems incredible coming from me, but it's really, honestly, not Allen Iverson's fault that Team USA is sucking the major bong in Athens. Basketball, contrary to the Jordan Rules, is a team sport. Unfortunately, we don't have a team.

The US group is a collection of some of the best players in the world. Most of them, however, are used to being the focal point, and have never been asked to do anything else. Much has been made of the absence of three-point shooters, or true centers on this year's Olympic squad, but it's biggest weakness is lack of role-players. Every great team has someone who comes off the bench and makes an immediate impact, whether it's a Steve Kerr/Craig Hodges long-range threat, or a Lonnie Shelton/Maurice Lucas to add instant muscle.

Do these type of players even exist anymore? I have no idea, but putting five high-scoring, no-defense players on the court every night just ain't doing it.

Perhaps the problem lies in the whole "dream-team" concept. Sure, it was great when 11 out of 12 players on the roster were hall-of-famers, but it's painfully obvious we'll never see a team like the original '92 squad. You can't throw a group of mostly above-average NBA players together (without any input from the coach!) and expect them to play well after only a couple weeks of practice. Most of the international teams have played together for years, and it shows.

Instead of sending the best individual players, we should send the best team. I have no doubt the Detroit Pistons would have kicked the hell out of Puerto Rico and Lithuania.

This, of course, would have to be approved by the NBA, the players union, the Olympic steering committee, Nike, the International Union of Team Mascots,Dr.J, and...

Aw, the hell with it.

Wednesday, August 18

Carter? Iverson? How about Payton?


GP knees someone in the balls.

So, Gary doesn't want to play for the Celtics. He says he wants to stay on the west coast. Hey, I know a west-coast team that needs a point guard: the Sonics!

It's so crazy it just might work. The Celtics are so desperate to get rid of Payton now, all the Sonics need to do is dangle a second-round pick and/or a drunken Ukrainian , and suddenly we have a dream-team backcourt of Ray Allen and Gary Payton, plus little Frodo gets to learn from one of the all-time best.

C'mon Sunderschultz, get on the phone! Give me an excuse to bust out my old G.P. jersey. Oh wait, that was a Kemp jersey. Hell, bring 'em both back! I'm feelin' old-school, baby!