Tuesday, May 15

The Enemy of my Enemy is . . . my Enemy?

I hate the Lakers.

Always have, always will. Whenever I see Dyan Cannon and all the other phony-baloney "fans" at the Forum, I get an overwhelming urge to stab them in the sunglasses. And don't get me started on the wanna-be Lakers fans who would show up at Sonics games wearing Kobe jerseys. What kind of sick bastard would do that?!

 But here I am, a man without a team, long divorced from the ups and downs of the NBA, slowly getting pulled back into the heat of PLAYOFF FEVER by, of all things, the Lakers.

You see, those filthy, rotten Lakers are playing the only team in all of sports that are even more filthy and rotten than they are: The Team That Shall Not Be Named. The Oklahoma . . . ghuhhhhhhh. I can't even write it. Let's just call them . . . Those Guys.

It was bad enough to steal our team (and recently, our history). Now these villainous cretins are forcing me to root for a team that I've hated since I was a child.

 There are probably some old-time Sonics fans that think we should cheer for the You Know Who. After all, we drafted a few of them, and, well, they're playing the LAKERS for God's sake! Well, these people are idiots.

Anyone who would ever root for . . . THEM . . . is not a Sonics fan. A true Sonics fan would root for a team of Hitlers over Those Guys.

Which is exactly what I'm doing. I'm rooting for a bully. I'm cheering for Satan. I'm . . . (shudder) . . . a Lakers fan.

 I want the Lakers to win every game by 2000 points. I want . . . that other team . . . to sob openly on the court and then hurl themselves en masse off the nearest bridge which, hopefully, happens to be over a lake of fire. I want them permanently erased from the NBA record books. Then I want the record books to be burned, just to be safe.

I want all of this to happen. And then I want the Lakers to get swept in the next round.


criminy. said...

completely and utterly agree. all my hatred originating from childhood towards the jazz, lakers, portland, completely dissipated once our team was stolen. in turn, it was entirely direct towards the seattle sloppyseconds, and I've become the biggest fan of literally every single team that plays against them. i want kobe to drop 100 points of them every single game. i want them to lose in the most embarrassing fashion possible. i want them to crumble completely. i hate everything about that team. it is something i am sure that I will carry to my grave.

Paul said...

I actually found myself rooting for Portland this year. PORTLAND!

Chris Schepper said...

I have a tattoo of the Sonics logo on my left calf. My 3rd grade school picture prominently features a Sonics ring on my left hand. I went to every home playoff game from 1991-1994 (a streak ended only when I moved to Los Angeles). I'm not an idiot. But I am rooting for the Zombie Sonics to beat the Lakers. Why? Because they're guys playing basketball and I like them better than the guys playing basketball against them. Do I wish they were truly my team? Do I wish all of Seattle was shutting down for every playoff game? Does it make me sick to see Aubrey McClendon (he is actually Satan) sitting courtside enjoying the games? Does it make me sad that James Harden and his beard aren't the toast of Seattle? OF COURSE. I'm bitter and jealous. But it doesn't make me hate Kevin Durant or Nick Collison or Serge Ibaka. And it doesn't make me want to join forces with the legions of entitled Laker fans (also known as my neighbors).

There is a difference between the team and the organization. The organization is reprehensible and deserves your scorn. The team is totally lovable and, if they were still in Seattle, would be joining the teams of '79, '87, '93, '96 as the best and coolest in Sonic history.

This is not to say you're entitled to your opionion. I just don't like being categorized as "old-time" or an "idiot" or "not a Sonics fan." I don't believe cheering for the Zombie Sonics to beat the Lakers makes me any of those things.

And with that, I have to get on Stub-Hub to buy Game 4 tickets for Clippers-Spurs. Until there is a team back in Seattle, I'll be trying to recapture the joy of the spring of 1993, replacing Shawn Kemp with Blake Griffin, Gary Payton with Chris Paul, Eddie Johnson with Nick Young and Squatch with...well, there isn't a Squatch equivalent at Staples Center.

Paul said...

Chris, as the biggest Sonics fan I've ever known in my life, you are forever exempt from any crazed generalizations I fling from my monkey cage.

You make a very reasoned, rational argument to root for . . . Those Guys . . . and I really wish I could. But I can't, probably due to the fact that I was still here when it went down, which makes it a lot more personal for all of us.

I am, however, 100% in favor of the Clippers. In fact, I was born in San Diego and they were my original home team.

Wow, I am old!

ryan said...

I'm with CS - root for whoever the hell you want. OKC losing doesn't bring the Sonics back any sooner than them winning. Yeah, it'll suck to see Aubrey and Clay getting handjobs from Stern after they win the championship, but Aubrey's life is f**&ed up enough, so karma aint' exactly on his side anymore.

#1? Get a team to Seattle, then we can play OKC and REALLY get our catharthis on!

Chris Schepper said...

Paul -- sorry for the delayed acknowledgement. Despite my improper grammar, you are totally entitled to your opinion and certainly not required to root for those guys. I get it...just didn't want to have a different opinion and end up covered in monkey feces.

Ed and I will be in row 11, center court for the Clippers farewell game tomorrow. I'll wear my 20 year old forest green Sonics' shirt. I'll be rooting for the Clippers but thinking of the '96 Sonics hopeless but valiant 0-3 effort against the Bulls.