Reality Premises

I’m sure that you are as excited as I am about the new Shaquille O’Neal reality television show, “Shaq’s Big Challenge,” which debuts tonight on ABC. O’Neal, never the slimmest man in the NBA, has decided to lend his vast knowledge of weight gain and loss to a group of children who are struggling with there own weight problems. And hilarity ensues.

But it got me to thinking, what other current or former NBA stars would be able to pull off a reality show? What would the subjects be? Let’s dig into the ABC archives to find a few shows that didn’t quite make the cut:

SHAWN PATROL – It’s ‘To Sir, With Love’ for a whole new generation when Shawn Kemp tutors a group of high school students on the dangers of premartial sex. But what will Shawn say when it’s revealed that the group of kids aren’t just any group of kids – they’re his own!

OAK TOWN – Charles Oakley throws his weight behind a project that aims to help kids in trouble with drugs learn the dangers of marijuana use. Expect many guest stars.

VLADE’S VALLEY – What do you do when someone pushes you? Former NBA star Vlade Divac says don’t push pack, flop! Divac’ shows a bunch of 8-year-olds tormented by bullies that the best revenge is to always make it look like the other kid started it. Special guest appearance from Karl Malone.

ROBERT’S BIG RIDE – Lots of people will tell you that working hard and buckling down is the surest way to climb the ladder of success, but NBA great Robert Horry teaches a group of struggling middle-management types that glomming onto already successful organizations is the sure-fire way to reach the top. “Don’t start at the bottom and work your way up,” instructs Horry. “Start at the top and just hang out!”

Northwest Report

Thought I’d take a cue from the college ranks and try to capture the Northwest Division in a weekly column. After all, the Sonics will be playing these teams 20-odd times next year, so don’t you think you ought to know what they’re up to this off-season?

(Okay, it’s Friday and I’m tired of re-running the same boring Rashard Lewis rumors).

UTAH:
McSean makes a point I’ve been pondering for a while now – should the Jazz and Sonics hook up in a Rashard-for-AK47 deal? He makes the point that both teams would actually be better off for the move, with the Jazz adding some scoring from Ra and the Sonics getting much-much-much needed defense from AK ... retiresloan.com brings up a great quote from Hot Rod Hundley in regard to Jerry Sloan’s teams, “Sloan’s teams don’t seem to play well in the playoffs, they play scared or something.” He also mentions how it seems as though Kirilenko’s defense seems to improve with more touches on offense. Not a good sign for the Sonics if they pick him up, as AK would be #3 in the offensive hierarchy behind Sugar Ray and Durant ... harpringsucks.com’s Sirkickyass makes this request if the Jazz part with AK: Pick up Ron Artest, if only to replicate AK’s surrealness. You’ll also want to scroll down to see how they compared this year’s roster to Star Wars characters. I especially enjoyed the Jerry Sloan-Emperor Palpatine comparison.

MINNESOTA:
Drew Boatman at Timberwolves Den surveys the landscape at the #7 or #8 pick (this was written before the lottery), and conjectures that “the only thing that comes up good in the 7 or 8 spot is when you have 7 or 8 pancakes and a whole mess o' boysenberry.” That’s a quality line. He has no love for Corey Brewer, which I don’t understand, nor for Spencer Hawes, which I do. ... Lil Dice from I Heart KG relays a story from Las Vegas about how bettors’ reacted to the tanking at the end of the season. “It was very apparent ... that (Minny, Memphis, and Boston) were tanking games,” said handicapper Jim Kruger. Which led me to wonder: As a Wolves fan this year, how could you tell when your team was tanking and when it was playing its very best? Also, Lil Dice also mentions that Spencer Hawes has reportedly received a promise from the Wolves that he’ll get picked at #8 if he’s still available. Sorry, Minny. Somehow, I’m guessing Garnett would be less than thrilled with that idea.

DENVER:
Dan Lucero from solidgold.com says the NBA is killing itself with its straightjacketed approach to rules interpretations, and that David Stern is taking the emotion – and the enjoyment – right on out of the league ... It appears that the Nuggets off-court activities this summer will take place in court. DerMarr Johnson has been arrested for resisting arrest (he probably wouldn’t be back next year, anyway) and JR Smith has been cited in a horrific New Jersey car accident ... Brett Edwards reports on a LA Times bit which says the Nuggets and Lakers are/were in talks about sending Marcus Camby to LA for Kwame Brown. It’s a money-saving deal for the Nuggets.

PORTLAND:
Just to taunt their fellow NWers up I-5, Dave at blazersedge.com asks his readers to pick who they want with the #1 pick. Quit mocking us, Blazer fans, and making us daydream about Greg Oden in a Sonics jersey. Everybody outside of Kevin Durant thinks Oden is going #1. Stop messing with our heads. ... Casey Holdahl notes that the Blazers received more love in one chat from David Thorpe at espn.com than they did in the past 4 years ... Blazersblog wonders if the Arenas free agency situation impacts upon the Zach Randolph +pick for Antawn Jamison +pick deal ... A nice piece by Jim Taylor at blazersevangelist about a new book on the ’77 Blazers (because, as even Sonic fans can attest, there’s nothing like celebrating the only championship in your town’s history). He also sheds light on a billboard in Portland that urges drivers to honk once for Oden and twice for Durant.

Scooter to pick pal P.J. for Sonics?

Just weeks after being seen at a hotel with Rick Carlisle, the P.I. reports that new Sonics whiz kid GM Sam "Scooter" Presti will soon be dating interviewing old Spurs chum P.J. Carlesimo for the long vacant head coaching job:

Out of head coaching since being fired by the Golden State Warriors in 1999, Carlesimo is emerging as a candidate for the Sonics' position and is on new general manager Sam Presti's short coaching list.

Presti said this week that the coaching search was "going well and we're making fast progress," but he declined to acknowledge any candidates. The San Antonio Express-News reported Thursday that Carlesimo could meet with Presti as soon as the Spurs' season ended, and Presti is expected to begin interviewing candidates next week.

The other apparent candidates are former Detroit and Indiana coach Rick Carlisle and ex-Minnesota coach and Sonics assistant Dwane Casey.

Read the rest in the Seattle P.I.

Considering how late in the game they started shopping around for a coach, the Sonics are lucky those three are still left in the bargain bin.