Near as I can tell, there are five reasons most of America finds it impossible to be happy for Rick Reilly (and why they're wrong):
1. They think he uses too many teeth references in his articles. (Actually, Reilly’s use of teeth is an endearing trait that makes him unique among sportswriters. Sure, he could look for non-dental descriptives when he writes an 800-word column, but why fix what ain’t broken? And, besides, can you blame a guy who spent a large chunk of his life rooting for a guy who looked like this to not use teeth references?)
2. They think he’s an aloof guy who doesn’t mix well with others. (Actually, although Reilly commands a hefty salary to write his 800-word column, he’s just one of the guys there. Sure, his individual web page looks different than all the others, and, sure, his podcast with Bill Simmons had so many backhanded compliments Roger Federer would have struggled with it, but, c’mon, can’t we all just get along here?)
3. They think his columns are too short. (Actually, Reilly gets more information packed into his 800-word columns than most guys get into 2,500 pieces. Granted, most of that information is one-sentence puns that are as funny as a root canal, but so be it.)
4. They think he’s a threat to their god, Bill Simmons. (Actually, Simmons and Reilly are friends. Really. I’m not kidding. Just ask them. They talk about his 800-word column all the time.)
5. They think he can’t handle new technology. (Actually, Reilly knows all about Twitter and Facebook and all that stuff, he’s just not that into it. You see, he was raised in an era when writing an 800-word column was what made a columnist a columnist, not in today’s non-stop verbiage from every angle. Rick Reilly needs your new technology like a 80-year-old dentist needs one of those new-fangled whirligig toothbrushes.)
Wednesday, June 17
Tuesday, June 16
Tom Chambers, Peacock Farmer
Now that the Finals are completed, the playoffs are done, and the 2008-09 season is completely finished, we can get back to more serious matters.
Like peacock farming.
Former Sonic Tom Chambers, perhaps the blackest white man ever to emerge from the Great State of Utah, co-owns a ranch in North Ogden (town motto: "Suck it, South Ogden!") with his brother, Rob. And while most days things are all hunky-dory down on the farm, what with the cow-milking, grazing, and whatnot, there is trouble a-brewin': Peacock trouble.
Rachel Trotter of the Standard-Examiner reports that cocks from the Chambers' ranch have been wandering up and down 2550 (apparently, a road of some sort), wreaking havoc with traffic and neighboring homes. One neighbor, Gordon Butcher, told Trotter,
"... the peacocks wander onto his deck and he often gets a 5 a.m. wake-up call from at least one of the birds. The peacocks often defecate on his property as well."
Well, that's not very neighborly of them. Of course, Butcher decided to sic the cops on the Chamberseses, but Johnny Law is hesitant to get involved due to some extremely complicated County vs City/North Ogden vs Weber County nonsense that is entirely too intricate and just muddies up what is otherwise a wonderful, Keiller-esque story.
As it stands, the peacocks are free to roam the land, but if I were Gordon Butcher, I think I'd try to figure out a way to make the birds play some defense, because if they're anything like their owner, they'll just try for about 5 seconds and then wander away.
Like peacock farming.
Former Sonic Tom Chambers, perhaps the blackest white man ever to emerge from the Great State of Utah, co-owns a ranch in North Ogden (town motto: "Suck it, South Ogden!") with his brother, Rob. And while most days things are all hunky-dory down on the farm, what with the cow-milking, grazing, and whatnot, there is trouble a-brewin': Peacock trouble.
Rachel Trotter of the Standard-Examiner reports that cocks from the Chambers' ranch have been wandering up and down 2550 (apparently, a road of some sort), wreaking havoc with traffic and neighboring homes. One neighbor, Gordon Butcher, told Trotter,
"... the peacocks wander onto his deck and he often gets a 5 a.m. wake-up call from at least one of the birds. The peacocks often defecate on his property as well."
Well, that's not very neighborly of them. Of course, Butcher decided to sic the cops on the Chamberseses, but Johnny Law is hesitant to get involved due to some extremely complicated County vs City/North Ogden vs Weber County nonsense that is entirely too intricate and just muddies up what is otherwise a wonderful, Keiller-esque story.
As it stands, the peacocks are free to roam the land, but if I were Gordon Butcher, I think I'd try to figure out a way to make the birds play some defense, because if they're anything like their owner, they'll just try for about 5 seconds and then wander away.
Monday, June 15
Hiatus From NBA Criticism
Allow me to set aside my petty ways for one day and congratulate the Orlando Magic on their fantastic run to the title.
For Magic fans, fear not that what just happened will forever leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Ignore those who call your favorites "a horribly flawed team," and remember that all teams are flawed to some degree, that no team is perfect, and while yours was certainly no 72-10 juggernaut, it was still superior to nearly 30 others.
Know that in ten years time, you'll cherish this spring like no other, that while you will never forget the disappointment of Courtney Lee's missed opportunity, you will also never forget the joy of seeing the Magic confound experts by knocking off the Celtics and Cavaliers. You will never forget the giddiness of seeing a multinational sporting good giant's advertising campaign thrown into the ditch because of your favorite team, and that your team's triumphs were cherished by people all across the country.
In this era of pre-planned magnificence, we have all grown accustomed to feeling powerless as sports fans. The NBA wants Charles vs. Michael? Done. The league wants the Heat to beat the Mavs? Done.
So when the Magic, with little or no national following, managed to sidetrack the coronation of King James, well, all of us, from the oldest NBA diehard to the bitterest Sonic fan smiled just a little.
More than 10 years ago, the Sonics fell to the mighty Bulls, but not before they gave Chicago one of its toughest battles in the Finals. A decade later, almost every Sonic fan I know looks back upon that series with delight, not remorse. Sure, a win would have been better, but just to be there, to be on basketball's brightest stage, to be important, relevant ... that was nearly as sweet.
So wallow in your pain for a few days, Magic fan. Take time to salve your wounds, but just know that, in the long run, you'll look back on the past two months and smile.
For Magic fans, fear not that what just happened will forever leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Ignore those who call your favorites "a horribly flawed team," and remember that all teams are flawed to some degree, that no team is perfect, and while yours was certainly no 72-10 juggernaut, it was still superior to nearly 30 others.
Know that in ten years time, you'll cherish this spring like no other, that while you will never forget the disappointment of Courtney Lee's missed opportunity, you will also never forget the joy of seeing the Magic confound experts by knocking off the Celtics and Cavaliers. You will never forget the giddiness of seeing a multinational sporting good giant's advertising campaign thrown into the ditch because of your favorite team, and that your team's triumphs were cherished by people all across the country.
In this era of pre-planned magnificence, we have all grown accustomed to feeling powerless as sports fans. The NBA wants Charles vs. Michael? Done. The league wants the Heat to beat the Mavs? Done.
So when the Magic, with little or no national following, managed to sidetrack the coronation of King James, well, all of us, from the oldest NBA diehard to the bitterest Sonic fan smiled just a little.
More than 10 years ago, the Sonics fell to the mighty Bulls, but not before they gave Chicago one of its toughest battles in the Finals. A decade later, almost every Sonic fan I know looks back upon that series with delight, not remorse. Sure, a win would have been better, but just to be there, to be on basketball's brightest stage, to be important, relevant ... that was nearly as sweet.
So wallow in your pain for a few days, Magic fan. Take time to salve your wounds, but just know that, in the long run, you'll look back on the past two months and smile.
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