Friday, April 1

Return of the Reign Man

Seattle Supersonics great Shwan KempShawn Kemp, the cornerstone of the Seattle Supersonics during the 1990’s, is returning to the team where it all began.

Kemp, 36, signed a 10-day contract with the Sonics Friday morning. Kemp was an all-star for the Sonics from 1993-97, before being traded to Cleveland in 1998, where his career took a quick, downward spiral. Plagued by drug, alcohol, and weight problems, the man once called “a 6’11 Jordan” vanished from the league without a trace.

While most people assumed the NBA legend was gone for good, Kemp was secretly training with Shaolin Monks in an underground warehouse in Seattle, beneath the old Chubby and Tubby site on Aurora Avenue, living on a strict diet of raw meat and pig’s blood. After withstanding the monk’s grueling regiment, Kemp was declared “fit for duty” last week, and signed with the team this morning, just in time to make the playoffs.

To make room on the roster for Kemp, Vitaly Potapenko was beheaded in a ritualistic sacrifice. Team owner Howard Shultz said it was part of the “deal with Satan thingy”.

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