Wednesday, February 25

The Case for the Mailman

Yesterday, I offered up the idea of looking at two iconic members of Sonic history. One of them is the ultimate Seattle hero, the other the ultimate villain.

Seattle sports fans can argue about plenty of things. Is Dave Krieg better than Matt Hasselbeck? Would Felix Hernandez outduel Randy Johnson? Greatest Seattle sports hero: Gary Payton, Steve Largent or Ken Griffey? Does Rick Neuheisel have a soul, or rather, were you to slice open his midsection, would you find only a slimy concoction of bile, self-importance, and teeth?

We can all agree on one question, though: Karl Malone is the supreme villain in our history. Sure, you’ve got a Clemens over there, a Jabbar perhaps, the entire Oakland Raiders roster, and so on, but the Mailman is hands-down the most hated man to ever take the court against a team from Seattle. Any counterargument is nonsense.

The only great thing about Karl Malone was that he made himself so easy to hate. The flopping, the elbows, the idiotic hand-behind-the-head dunking … heck, just being a member of the Jazz was enough to make us hate him, but then he had to go and be jerkoff on top of that? Phew! We hated Karl Malone like we hated Californians who bought our real estate – because there was no conceivable reason not to.

All of which goes a long way to explaining how hard it is for me to state this: When it comes to the argument of Karl Malone or Shawn Kemp in head to head competition, it’s pretty darn hard to make a case for the Reignman. To wit:

- The two played 42 games while Kemp was a starter for the Sonics. Kemp scored 20 points or more ten times. The Mailman did it 40 times.
- Malone averaged more points, assists, rebounds, committed fewer turnovers and personal fouls, shot better from the field, and got to the line 50% more often.
- In Malone’s five best scoring efforts, he tallied 38, 35, 32, 32, 32, a total of 169 points. Kemp’s five best efforts? 29, 29, 26, 26, 26, for 136 points.
- The Mailman racked up 10+ free throws made nine times. Kemp did it thrice.
- Malone fathered one child out of wedlock, as far as we know. Kemp had at least three or four. Or five. Fine, there may have been six, but, geez, did you see the dress on that girl?

You could go on and on. Malone’s dominance was indicative of how he wound up as the second-highest scorer in league history despite a lack of 3-point shot or a dominant, Olajuwon-like post-up game. His was a battle of attrition. Malone wasn’t going to score 50 every other month, but he was going to get his 27 points, dammit, even if it took 28 shots to do it..

Still, setting aside Malone’s black-hole approach to offense, he was dominant. How dominant? Try this on for size, if you will. The Sonics battled the Jazz 25 times with Malone and Kemp as starters in the regular season. Of those 25 games, take a guess at how many times Kemp outscored the Mailman. Go on, guess.

Give up?

Zero.

That’s right, Kemp outscored Malone as often as George Karl modeled for Playgirl. 25 times the Mailman battled the Reignman in regular season play as equals, and 25 times Karl topped Kemp in the points column. I know, I know, Malone played more minutes, he took more shots (483 to 275 to be exact), yada, yada, yada.

Still, that’s incredible, right? Think back on all those clashes, all those times Malone escaped on fast breaks and threw down one of his ridiculous Kid ‘n Play dunks with his left hand behind his head … shouldn’t Kemp have prevailed at least once? He was Shawn Kemp, for crying out loud. The man child! The dunker of dunks! Only a Mormon would put up a poster of Karl Malone, but Kemp’s posters were in college dorm rooms across the country. You could get away with charging $20 for a Kemp’s Greatest Dunks DVD, but how much could you get for The Mailman’s Greatest Dunks? 37 cents? Heck, it probably came on Betamax, those moves were so played out.

Put all that aside, though. Even if you look at their playoff performances, Malone still comes out ahead in the numbers, almost absurdly so. He averaged 10 points more than Kemp did in the postseason. 10 points! C’mon, people, can you seriously consider any alternative to the notion that Karl Malone was head, shoulders, and pointy elbows above Shawn Kemp in their head-to-head play? Sure, Kemp could dunk, but what difference does that make, really? What kind of moron would dare suggest that any conclusion other than Malone’s supremacy is possible?

Raises hand meekly.

Um, this moron does. It’ll take some slight-of-hand statisticology that may qualify me for an emergency federal bailout, but I think I can make it work. Tune in tomorrow to find out.

16 comments:

chunkstyle23 said...

don'tthinkaboutgeorgekarlinplaygirl, don'tthinkaboutgeorgekarlinplaygirl...

Too late.

Thanks for that. Jerk!

Anonymous said...

There was no doubt Kemp was a way better entertainer with supreme hops.
I always believed Kemp would get to Malone status, maybe even surpass him as he got older and his game progressed.He really stepped up in '96 but let me down soon after my euphoric summer with the signing of Jim Mcilvane.

Anonymous said...

While you're manipulating the stats for tomorrow's creative post, could you please edit out a couple of those first round flame-outs?

Anonymous said...

actually, Malone has copped to fathering twins out of wedlock, and won't admit to having another child (despite dna evidence), because that guy's mother was 13 when a 20 year old Malone impregnated her

Unknown said...

To mention Kemp in the same sentence as Karl Malone is the biggest joke I have ever read in this ridiculous world of blogging. Your blog should read Kemp was Malone’s bitch from day one. Do your readers a favor and ask Gary Payton about Karl Malone's game. Shame on you to even to even compare the one of the games biggest underachievers with one of the most hard working, show up every night and kick your ass players the league has ever seen. Did Malone have as much raw talent as Kemp? No. He just work on his game every off season to make himself better. What a homer you are. I take that back what a joke you are.

Anonymous said...

A girl comes from a links of londonfortune family. Her father runs big business. She is a beautiful, tender and arrogance girl. links of london sale She comes to the big city from country to study. Her father has arranged police to protect her. The links of london jewellery Police man is a poor and unhopeful stuff. He thinks that once he could get marry links of london charmswith the girl, he could become a rich, high status man. He tried his best to be close links of london friendship braceletto the girl. He grasps every opportunity to access her.

Anonymous said...

links of london

links london

links of london sale

links of london charms

links of london sweetie bracelet

Anonymous said...

Faithful links of london ladies are always looking for discount links of london collections among UK, and we can get access to the discount collections like links of london bracelets and cheap links of london charms on the internet.

discount links of london said...

discount links of london www.linksoflondonhut.co.uk
links of london bracelets www.linksoflondonhut.co.uk/Linksoflondon_Category_4.html

Anonymous said...

Fitch store in general abercrombie and fitch , everything a good matrimony before marriage have nothing to retain the preceding "female mad batch - abercrombie" part of the two is the first home in new york city a horde promotion sportswear for men and it is a successful lawyer, that is, ezra fitch.Ezra fitch in a charge over a very intricate to read from the abercrombie is obstinate to read and long abercrombie & fitch. He's also very good brand hollister, including abercrombie mens and abercrombie womens, abercrombie and fitch clothing, Ruehl No.925. Has become a fashionable personage's first choice, abercrombie outlet is all over the world, of course, is also expected to 2009 New Arrivals,abercrombie hoodiesabercrombie hoodies
abercrombie sweatersabercrombie sweatersabercrombie jeansabercrombie jeansabercrombie t shirtsabercrombie t shirtsabercrombie jacketsabercrombie jacketsabercrombie saleabercrombie sale

tony liang said...

Fitch store in general Abercrombie And Fitch , everything a good matrimony before marriage have nothing to retain the preceding "female mad batch - Abercrombie" part of the two is the first home in new york city a horde promotion sportswear for men and it is a successful lawyer, that is, fitch.Ezra fitch in a charge over a very intricate to read from the abercrombie is obstinate to read and long abercrombie & fitch. He's also very good brand Abercrombie and Fitch Hoodies, including Abercrombie And Fitch Clothing and Abercrombie and Fitch JeansAbercrombie and Fitch PantsAbercrombie and Fitch Tees. Has become a fashionable personage's first choice, Abercrombie and Fitch Sweaters is all over the world, of course, is also expected to Abercrombie and Fitch Shorts.
New Year was coming, everyone wants new clothes to disguise themselves,Abercrombie Clothing is a good choice. BecauseAbercrombie Sale is a well-known brand, Abercrombie and Fitch Outerwearseverywhere, abercrombie is very much a Cheap Abercrombie. There has Abercrombie and Fitch Polos, Abercrombie Womens and Abercrombie and Fitch Shirts. Personally, I'm looking forward to Abercrombie Hollister's 2009 New Arrivals, such as Abercrombie Ruehl No.925 like this style.




Unknown said...

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed buy metin2 yangcheap metin2 yangfeverishly for god to rescue him, and every day he scanned cheap metin2 yangthe horizon for help, but none seemedcheap metin2 yangbuy metin2 yang forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little cheap metin2 yangbuy metin2 yangcheap metin2 yanghut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to metin2 yangmetin2 yangstore his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging metin2 yangmetin2 yangfor food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smokemetin2 yang rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief metin2 yang kaufenmetin2 yangand anger

Unknown said...

study. I will learn something useful. I will not bewow leveling cooking a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thoughtwow leveling map and concentration.Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways. I willbuy world of warcraft gold do somebody a good turn and not get found out: If anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two wow cd key codewow time card things I don't want to do-just for exercise. We always convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a aion cd keyaion time cardbaby, then another. Then we are frustrated that aion cd keyaion time card the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content xbox 360 live points when they are. After that we' re frustrated thataoc eu cd keyaoc cd key we have teenagers to deal with. We will Eve Online CD Key certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We always tellApple iTunes CardsApple Gift Card ourselves that our life will be complete when Buy iTunes Gift Code our spouse gets his or her act together, when Wii Points CardCheap Wii Points Cardwe get a nicer car, and are able to gosto cd keybuy sto cd key on a nice vacation, when we retire. The cheap sto cd keytruth is, there's no better time than right now.

Anonymous said...

To establish a new effective method,tiffany jewelry,tiffany and Co,Welcome to read following news:I like it!links of london,tiffany jewelry sale

Unknown said...

links of london jewellery is loved by most fashionable ladies all over the world, they all choose some other links
of london bangles
also with some links
of london charms
.

abercrombieandfitch said...

thomas sabo
thomas sabo jewellery
cartier
cartier jewellery
cartier jewelry
cartier love jewelry
abercrombie and fitch
Abercrombie & fitch
abercrombie
abercrombie and fitch
Abercrombie & fitch
abercrombie
pandora bracelets
pandora beads
pandora charms
tiffany jewelry
tiffany uk
tiffany jewellery