Wednesday, April 27

James Juiced?

Did Jerome James get Crunked?
Did Big Game get Crunked?

According to the Seattle P.I., the mind-boggling play of Jerome James in the playoffs may be due to a new "energy drink".

Apparently, Big Game James used to drink coffee before games, but it upset his delicate constitution, so he switched to an unnamed caffeinated beverage before game one of the playoffs. The results, of course, were stunning: 17 points, 15 rebounds, and five blocks in game one; 19 points and 9 rebounds in game two.

So, what kind of magical elixer could produce such results? Here are some likely suspects (courtesy of this month's Wired):
Lil Jon's Crunk!!!
Wired: Blend of ashwagandha, horny goat weed, and caffeine really delivers. Fresh pomegranate flavor.
Tired: Get ready for a sleepless night; no wonder Lil Jon always seems so amped. WHAT!?! OK!!! YEA-YA!!!

Ice-T's Liquid Ice
Wired: Pleasantly long-lasting pick-me-up. Super sweet. Lightly carbonated. Goes well with vodka.
Tired: Tastes like a melted Otter Pop. Bright blue color not keeping it real (unless you're a Crip, of course).

Nelly's PimpJuice
Wired: Noncarbonated. Mellow tropical flavor. No aftertaste. Contains 10 percent actual fruit juice!
Tired: Not much pep. Packs 140 calories (20 more than Crunk!!! and 10 more than Liquid Ice).

Russell Simmons' DefCon3
Wired: Each can is filled with 10 ounces of liquid upper, versus the other brands' trifling 8. Only 45 calories per serving.
Tired: Mediciney aftertaste. Too fizzy. Yielded only a mild rush.
I don't know about you, but if a drink can make a modern day Moses out of a poor man's Benoit Benjamin, I wants me some.

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