Thursday, April 5

Da Fort

You’ve no doubt heard how Danny Fortson got out of traveling with the team to San Antonio and Oklahoma because of a dangerous tooth abcess, which his dentist allegedly said could “explode” on an airplane (let’s pray that the Taliban doesn’t read the Seattle Times).

All of which begs the question: What will Danny use as an excuse for the remaining seven games? At, we’re all about finding the silver lining in the dark cloud that is this season. Here’s one man’s guess at possible excuses conjured up by the Round Mound of Puget Sound.

April 6th vs Lakers – Got stuck at King’s Table Buffet on Thursday/Friday. They closed at 11, but I hadn’t had all I could eat at that point; spent the night curled up under the omelet station and finished up the next day. When it says "All You Can Eat for $11.99," doesn't that mean I get all I can eat? Am I being too philosophical?

April 7th at Utah – Airport security forced me to remove my Mormon temple garments. I got into a theological debate with the security guard and they detained me, and I missed the flight.

April 9th vs Houston – Was at the salon having my pigtails cleaned when some dude called me Pippi Longstocking. Da Fort don’t stand for that mess. A King County sheriff threw me in the back of his car until we got it all straightened out.

April 11th at Phoenix – You know I don’t fool with those Colangelos no more.

April 14th at Portland – “Hey, Bob, I’m here at the Key. Where is everybody?”

April 15th at Lakers – After I missed the Portland game, I thought I’d catch an early flight to LA and catch up with you guys there. My cab driver took me Inglewood, then we found out the Lakers don’t play there no more (you gotta understand, when you only play once every six weeks, it’s easy to forget these kinda things). Right now I’m stuck on the 405 and I don’t think I’ll make it in time. Catch you back in Seattle, dudes.

April 18th vs Dallas – Sorry, King’s Table called about my outstanding bill. They said they’re gonna garnish my wages since I’ve been running up a tab there since that playoff run two years ago and haven’t paid it. Gotta go straighten it out. Don’t worry, though, I’ll be ready to go for summer training drills. You know Da Fort’s gonna catch on with somebody next year.


Anonymous said...

April 14th at Portland – “Oregon? Damn, I thought you meant Portland, Maine. I thought the cab drive was a little long. My bad."

Anonymous said...

He still has some work to do if wants to one-up some of Vin Baker's excuses (sore toes, pinky finger, hangover, hurt feelings, depression, no-not depression-something else-SAD disorder maybe?, etc...)

Anonymous said...

Classic - you're right, Vinnie's excuses were out of sight.

I think somebody ought to compile a book of the greatest excuses in sports history. You could put Garry Templeton in there, Dick Allen, Vin, Fortson, who else??

Anonymous said...

Henry Cotto, punctured eardrum with a que-tip.

And that Blue Jays outfielder (was he an M briefly?) who got bit by a spider. No-- wait-- didn't he hurt himself falling out of bed when he had a dream about spiders?!!?!?

Anonymous said...

Oh God, not quite an excuse, but the ABA guy who thought when he changed time zones that he actually travelled back in time because flying west he arrived 15 minutes before he left.

Paul said...

I love the Cotto one. Anyone remember Kaz's weird "falling up the stairs on top of his suitcase" story?

Anonymous said...

Paul, good one.

That was pretty suspicious, and coincidentally was about the same era that Jeff Kent "hurt his wrist washing his truck."

And the Jeff Kent thing reminds me of a fantasy season crashing down a couple years ago, when Clint Barmes fell down his stairs while carrying a shopping bag or 2 full of venison.