Monday, January 28

Top 10 Terrible Basketball Movies That Are Still Better Than Thunderstruck

Let's take a moment to stop drooling over the Sacramento Kings and focus on more important things: like making fun of Thunderstruck.

Supposedly, a movie starring That Guy We Can't Talk About Anymore who's on That Team We Shall Not Name, briefly appeared in the theater(s?) last summer.  During its entire run, it didn't appear anywhere in the top 100 at the box office, redefining the term "limited release".

Never fear, Supersonicsouliacs: we've put together a list of 10 basketball movies that are, while almost entirely unwatchable, still better than that poor man's Like Mike rip-off:

The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island (1981)

Do you like basketball? Do you like robots? Do you like aging TV stars trying to cash in on past success? If so, you are the only person on Earth who could possibly like The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island. And you still won't.

Airbud (1997)

Airbud is about a dog who plays basketball. Let me repeat: IT'S ABOUT A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL! Jesus, what else do you people want in a movie?

Slam Dunk Ernest (1995)

It's almost funny in Spanish! Almost . . .

High School Musical (2006)

I can't bring myself to watch this, but my kids promise me it is the worst thing ever. I bet it's still not as bad as Thunderstruck.

The Absent Minded Professor (1961)

What if you took the team from Hoosiers and gave them super jumping powers? And what if you threw in the dad from My Three Sons and pretended he was smart? All right, this film is no Fish That Saved Pittsburg, but it's better than the remake and surely better than Thunderstruck.

My Giant (1998)

While not technically a basketball movie (and really, how many of these are really basketball movies?), My Giant featured former NBA player Gheorghe Muresan, who was only cast because Andre The Giant was dead.

Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball (1991)

While not technically a movie, I would rather watch someone play this flaming turd for 12 hours with a broken SNES controller than watch Thunderstruck.

Juwanna Mann (2002)

Do we really need to explain this choice?

The Fish That Saved Pittsburg (1979)

Some might say that Julius Erving was the worst basketball actor of all time. Those people might be right, but even Jonathan Winters is phoning it in here. Despite its many flaws (and trust me, there are MANY), The Fish That Saved Pittsburg has a soft spot in my heart. One of the many reasons it failed is it came out in 1979--the year before anyone cared about the NBA. Yes, the same year our beloved Seattle Supersonics won the NBA Championship. You know, the one they showed on tape delay at midnight? No one liked basketball in 1979, so no one bothered making good basketball movies. Before Hoosiers and He Got Game, this was as good as it got.

Singles (1992)

Singles is not a terrible movie, but I think we can all agree it would be 1000 times better if it had more Xavier McDaniel and Wayne Cody.


robert said...

Amazing Grace and Chuck. If only because it finally brought the oft-mentioned duo Alex English and Gregory Peck together.

Also, He Got Game, if only because of Ray Allen in bed with two porn stars.

Paul said...

Amazing Grace and Chuck! I didn't include that on my list of terrible movies because it's Pete's favorite. I was going to do a list of great basketball movies, but I didn't think I could come up with 10. (He Got Game would be in it, if only for Ray Allen's performance, which is easily the best NBA player performance in a film ever.)

PN said...

I'd nominate Celtic Pride. Except that it's a terrible movie that's even worse than Thunderstruck. Probably. Oh, heck, just burn them both and forget I mentioned it.

Love AG&C.