Friday, August 17

Big, Red and Scary: The Return of Robert Swift

Robert Swift working his way back from the brink (insert cheesy 80's montage here).

This morning's P.I. reports on the coming resurrection of our seven-foot Sonics-savior, Robert Swift.

Apparently through hours of weight-lifting and high-level doses of AC-DC, Swift has transformed himself from a painfully awkward nerd, blessed only with the gift of freakish height, to a 280-pound, tattooed bad-ass that could make the Undertaker soil his tights.

So the re-birth of the Great White Hope should pretty much guarantee the Sonics a playoff spot next year, right?

After all, according to former Sonics coach Bob Hill and others, the absence of "Continental Drift" Swift from the line-up last year doomed the team from the start, and was the single biggest reason for the abyss of awfulness that was the 2006-2007 season.


While the glimpse of potential we saw at the end of '05-'06 was intriguing, last year's team needed a lot more than Rich King on steroids to save it. They had two mediocre point guards who spent most of the season bitching and sniping like rejects from America's Top Model. They had the Invisible Man looking like Spencer Haywood one night, then disappearing into the mist the next. The lone highlight was a one-dimensional superstar (but what a dimension it was!) who could pile up points but had the defensive strength of a girl scout cookie.

But Robert Swift would have put them in the playoffs!

And what if he did? What if the Big Red Wall could have been the difference on defense that the Sonics desperately needed last year? What if it helped raise the team from pathetic to passable, launching the Sonics into a respectable first round loss in the playoffs? What would the Sonics have gained? Or, more importantly, what would they have lost?

How about Kevin Durant?

As painful as last season was, it did help set the team up for perhaps their greatest draft pick ever. A lanky superstar who could shoot like Ray Allen, block shots like Shawn Kemp, and play with the passion of Gary Payton. The Über-Sonic.

And if Swift had played last year, Durant might be in Atlanta.

Swifty could very well help the Sonics make the playoffs this season, but for his non-play last year, he might be the ultimate MVP.


Anonymous said...

I thought I was supposed to be the sarcastic guy. Now what I am supposed to do, start drawing cartoons on a twice-yearly basis? Good call on Rich King, er Swift as 2006-07 MVP.

mcwalter44 said...


I don't think so... not even if Swift was healthy. Give that Hill flip-flopped his lineup on a nightly basis I think the season would have been erratic at best. Though I do agree that we might have one a game or two more, but that just means that we would have been picking around the 6th, 7th, or 8th spot and still stuck with Ray Allen as Paul stated above.

As for 06-07 MVP, maybe, though I'd have to give Ridnour's inability to play well with the leather ball the 2nd half, Lewis/Allen injuries as other strong factors for why the Sonics stunk last season.

Paul said...

Don't worry, Nuss--there's enough sarcasm for everyone on Sesame Street. (said in the voice of "Gordon")

Anonymous said...

"So the re-birth of the Great White Hope should pretty much guarantee the Sonics a playoff spot next year, right?"

Nice. Lol

Anonymous said...

Wait, so the picture in the post: nerdy Swift or Undertaker-soiler-Swift?
If it's the latter, can't say he looks all that intimiating...

Speaking of working out, the one bad thing about Durant playing for Team USA is that he'll be too busy to spend much time in the gym...

Anonymous said...

On the other hand, Durant, Green and Collison will get the opportunity to spend more time with Carlesimo (coach of the select team), which can't hurt.

Anonymous said...

As hard-nosed reserves, the tandem of Robert Swift and Kurt Thomas holding down the low-post and manning the high-post, respectively, will provide any opponent of the Seattle Supersonics a bruising for roughly 16 minutes per game.

Offensively, Swift's array of back-to-the-basket moves -- which, by the way, is something that supposedly wasn't cultivated by the inaptly unfit Jack Sikma -- and Thomas' mid-range jumper will create a solid one-two punch. On the other end of the court, they'll both shut down the opposition with their tenacious man-to-man defense.

It'll be good times.